Angst

[mechanosapience]

I haven't posted in about forever, and I kind of need to, mostly just for laying things out for my own benefit. I've been miserable these past few months. I'm overwhelmed by grad school and I'm behind in just about everything. I'm having suicidal thoughts for the first time in years, though fortunately they're still at the "bad song stuck in my head" stage. I note with some detached amusement that they are particularly bad when I'm driving. I've just gotten the dosage of my meds increased, so that will (knock on wood) help somewhat, but I'm still left with being miserable as a grad student. Off and on since the fall semester began, I've been thinking about dropping out of the program. Lately, the thoughts have been more serious. I mean, what's keeping me here are (a) the fear of adulthood and having to go out and have a real job--something which is looking increasingly pleasant compared to grad school, (b) the stubborn desire to see this through, and (c) not wanting to disappoint my mentor and confirm suspicions about my ability to deal with the rigors of research (all unstated, but word travels in a lab). The thing I'm realizing is that I have no idea what I want to do with myself, and grad school has been my way of avoiding that decision, taking the path of what felt like least resistance. It's clear that it isn't, but where does that leave me? At this point, I'm not sure I'll ever find something that really appeals to me, and so I should just find something simple that I can do with some measure of competence that I don't hate and that pays me something I can live on. I think I may have given up on such a goal. That still leaves the question of "What next?"