Results of reflection

[mechanosapience]

It occurred to me recently that I have accumulated some baggage regarding sex over the past couple of years. Specifically, regarding casual NSA sex. At first, I thought it had something to do with my relationship or my recently becoming significantly more Lawful, but they're not the reason, though possibly related.

Over this past semester, I've come to realize just how broken I am, in terms of social interactions. I've realized that a lot of my anxiety stems from a need to know the dynamics, the protocols of every interaction. Unfortunately, I am hopelessly ignorant in most cases, something I blame partly on my inherent introversion and partly on being hospitalized and attending "special" schools during middle school, which is where I suspect normal people learn the basics of social behavior, or at least, learned the bits that I seem to have missed. This is especially true regarding interactions of a sexual nature. I simply don't know how to act, especially in terms of casual interactions (flirting, hook-ups, etc). This might not seem to be a problem, considering that I'm in a happy, committed relationship, but it is, given the people I know.

In short, I am jealous of the ease with which others can interact with each other. While there is a component of wanting to engage in casual hook ups, most of it boils down to wanting to know the rules of that particular social circumstance.


tl;dr--I have baggage and my mortal sin is envy.